Everyday Engineering with Renegade Reporting, your everyday DIY solutions to life problems with host Stephen Seidel. It's technology and entertainment in one, tech-tainment at its finest.
In lieu of the Release of The Watch on July 27th, Renegade Reporting’s Everyday Engineering has agreed take part in its own Crime Stopping Spree. The Watch was originally called The Neighborhood Watch, until the Trayvon Martin shooting by a neighborhood watch member, and now highlights more of an alien slant. It features Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn, Jonah Hill, and Richard Ayoade (from must-see The Mighty Boosh) as suburban dads who NEED to get out of their routine. I smell another routine comedy hoping to bank on big names with a hum drum plot, but I’m sure it will Still(er) be funny.
You know what’s NOT funny? Robbery. Or theft, looting, and
breaking an entering,“B n E”,
according to Dane Cook. Recently my Honda Civic was broken into and everything
was stolen, including my CLUB! Good thing it wasn’t fighting break-ins on my
steering wheel. Granted Hondas are the top candidate in the stolen car land,
and regularly appear on truTV’s Bait Car,
but it made me think, “How can we protect ourselves from criminals?” Everyday
Engineering is here to keep the RATs (Random Acts of Theft) at bay one
prevention method at a time.
First and foremost, get on Ebay and buy some ADT stickers
and put those puppies in your windows. EBAY LINK FOR STICKERS
Secondly, speaking of puppies, it’s always good to have
man’s best friend at your door. And I mean LITERALLY at your door. Buy a
Brand New “Wipe your paws” welcome mat and make it look tramped on by your
pseudo-Rottweiler. You can also put up ‘Beware of Dog’ or 'Smile you're on Camera' signs.
Third, dancing solves all problems, especially with network
executives these days: Dancing with the Stars, So You Think You Can Dance,
America’s Best Dance Crew, and more. So turn on that clock radio you never use anymore, bust a move, and
prevent a bust in by leaving it on.
Our fourth tip is for when you leave on vacation or “work
trips” to Mexico. Try your best to resist posting your beer chugging
competitions in Cancun on Facebook. Instead opt for sharing that library photo
of you crocheting your Rottweiler’s pet dander into a sweater. Online
criminals might know where you live.
Our fifth tip is to call the spirit of Mr. Rogers (or another
neighbor) and ask for their help. Have them gather your piles of mail, instead of
risking the loss of your favorite black saran wrapped magazine. You could also ask them to rope off the shared porch with caution tape. No burglar wants tampered goods that a competitor has already planted their seed upon, so your home should remain unscathed.
Most theft and crime happens within 3 miles of your home. Or
is that accidents? Regardless, go safe or go home, and park in your garage. The
next 3 tips relate to the second home for most Angelenos, their vehicle. Make sure to
always carry your garage door opener with you, as it's the entrance into your man cave and world of secrecy. Your address is most certainly in Google’s Rolodex waiting to be
called upon. Next, always replace your car charger with its covering, because if left open a thief immediately knows there's a phone, ipod, GPS, or vibrating stirrer for your coffee nearby. If you have a GPS wipe away the suction circle that remains on your windshield or
dash, before hiding "out of sight" in glove box. A circle meets a
square, and in this case the square is the credit card you’re using to buy a
replacement, after your $500 deductible is not met.
The ninth piece of advice is to wisely hide all your
valuables to prevent them from being taken in the first place. Forget about going under the bed and go toward the least likely place to find something valuable. Yep, you guessed
it. The bathroom! Drop those family jewels in the toilet bowl for safekeeping (or the back part where the chain breaks to make the toilet run all night). Or maybe the fridge. Or any other creative plain sight locations, such as a
book or Rottweiler.
The final way to eliminate crime before it happens is to
hire a homeless person to do one of four things. A. Sleep on sofa B. Guard door like security personnel C. Live in backyard in a tent (this actually
happened at my neighbor’s house, very creepy!) or D. Frequently fill up trashcans to look lived in (see below). Please just make sure
they have a permanent address before you hire them, or give them yours. Whichever prevention methods you choose, be sure the significant other signs off first, for only then will your life be successfully safeguarded.
Thanks for reading Everyday Engineering with Renegade
Reporting, where we bring feats, and dreams from the streets, to the screen. Email Everyday Engineering design feats or do-it-yourself fixes. Follow @StephenSeidel at @RenegadeRptg to Tweet us comments and/or questions. "Find the Renegade within you!" -Stephen Seidel, Renegade Reporting
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